What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
