dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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