FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
