The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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