Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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