I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
