so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
