I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
