i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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