ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
