well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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