i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
