paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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