Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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