Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
