we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
