I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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