I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you will always have a special place in my vag
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
