I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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