I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
