he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
