i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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