WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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