come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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