Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
