My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
