when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
