i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i will never coherently bang her
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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