I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
