my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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