I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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