his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
