I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
