You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
