Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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