If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
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