Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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