Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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