Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
