Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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