She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
