I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
