No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
