he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
