Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
