I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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