Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
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Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
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This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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