I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
