I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
