Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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