I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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