I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
