I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
