Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
