Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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