i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
