getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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