my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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